2-Way Relationships, Entrepreneurship & Dating Jun17


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2-Way Relationships, Entrepreneurship & Dating

Region Magazine presents a new series entitled –  Just ‘ASK’  –   with Shelly K ::

Shelly K Talks About Two-Way Relationships, the Highs and Lows of Entrepreneurship, and Dating.

Shelly K on Two-Way Relationships…

Question: How do you know if you are in a two-way relationship?
Shelly K: Recognizing a two-way relationship can be a difficult thing to do if you have never experienced one before. Finally, at 41 years of age, for the first time in my life, I have been surrounded by healthy, happy relationships of give and take.  In the past I have always been the giver! I would always reason it by telling myself… “That’s just who I am.” Or I would convince myself that once they saw how generous and kind I was, they would do the same. And I would further justify this mentality by buying into statements such as… “Some people are givers, some people are takers, and you have to learn who is good at what and how to benefit from their uniqueness in your life.”   It’s pretty simple, an account cannot survive on withdraws alone. There must be a deposit in order to have a withdrawal. Really, it’s not rocket science, just allow yourself to see if there is truly give and take in the relationship.

Question: How do you end a one-way relationship?
Shelly K: After I had enough of the one-way relationship scenarios, I said “NO MORE!” I want genuine, authentic people in my inner circle.  Good people, at the core, are good at both giving and receiving; they understand the need for balance and it comes naturally to them.  For me however, this was not always a natural part of my mental make-up. Personally, I believe we are very selfish by nature; and this is more than likely a learned habit.  Think of a two-year old.  We have to teach them to share, to play nice and be kind to others. It does not come naturally.  We have to make a conscious choice to rise above our selfish desires and decide to control them. Ending a relationship isn’t always easy, but sometimes necessary. You may not even need to call them up and announce you are ending the relationship, simply pull away slowly spending less time with them.

Question: Am I being selfish for wanting my needs met?
Shelly K: Although I don’t think any relationship is all about our own needs, I do believe it is in our best interest and that of the relationship, to be in a healthy giving position that allows us to truly be our best. Being our best requires that we associate with others who compliment us and not compete with us.  A great example of this is in our communication with one another.  You see, if I am around someone who is not a good communicator, I am not allowed to be my best. It drives me crazy! However, I am not saying we can’t care about that person or we can’t ever be around them, but our closest inner circle relationships are critical and must be cared for and chosen wisely.  If I am allowed to be my best, then I am always going to give my best! So yes, be selfish (so-to-speak), understanding who you are and who brings out the best in you, as you in turn bring out the best in others when you are your BEST you!

Shelly K on the Highs and Lows of Entrepreneurship…

Question: How can I better handle the ups and downs of being a businessman or woman?
Shelly K: No one can escape the highs and lows in this walk of life.  Money, class and/or gender do not matter. There is nothing that excludes any of us from the curve balls of business/life. It’s all about how you stand at the plate and swing. I had a successful career in the mortgage industry but when the financial markets crashed a few years ago, I crashed right along with it. But the thing that was most difficult at the time, was feeling like I had let my children down.  Now some of it was pure circumstance, but some of it was truly me accepting that I wasn’t making the best decisions at that time in my life. My best advice is if you are facing a low point or trouble in your business/life, seek wise counsel. We don’t think well when in the midst of crisis and need others’ sound wisdom to help guide our decisions. 

Question: My priorities are out of order. What do I do?
Shelly K: 1. Again, seek wise counsel, 2. Ask for help, 3. Graciously accept help when it is offered, 4. Evaluate options and 5. Stay calm and don’t over-react – these things too shall pass. You see I was too proud and thought I could handle it all on my own.  I didn’t want to burden others with my troubles.  I reacted late to some things; like cancelling the maid services, etc. As hard as it was for me to admit, I definitely did not have my priorities in order for what was going on then.  But now, I am truly grateful for all of the experiences that have brought me to this point in my life, including ‘the fall.’ 

Question: I need help but I don’t know how to ask. Who do I turn to?
Shelly K: Please be sure you are asking someone who loves you, lifts you up and has your best interest at heart. Often times we find ourselves asking the wrong people. This was an important lesson for me. Since then, I have been freed from all of the emotional feelings of my own failures.  The guilt of bad decisions, reacting late, denial, messed up priorities, and pride no longer haunt me! You see, when we are in the midst of emotional turmoil it is very difficult to think clearly.  My best advice is to seek wise counsel realizing you are not in it alone. Please don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. Explore options that are non-traditional, such as taking in a roommate short term or cashing out equity in your home, etc. 

Shelly K on Dating…

Question: I am so tired of the dating scene. Is it wrong for me to take some time for me?
Shelly K: Choose to honor God and yourself first.  The last year or two, I have changed my outlook, habits, thinking, and reactions regarding almost everything on this subject.  I have chosen to turn my back on the crowd and stand alone. We live in a world where technology and a loss of value for others have turned people away from desiring a lifelong relationship or marriage. What we seemingly have today is a constant dating scenario of musical chairs, treating others with no value, and a ‘do it if it feels good’ attitude topped off with a casual, no regrets sexual appetite. So YES, please take time to understand who you are completely . You will watch your whole world change when you understand what you stand for and are not influenced by who others say that you are. Personally, I am not OK with casual sex and have no problem communicating that and allowing it to match me with others who feel the same, even if that’s only a few.

Question: I have men who feel it’s OK to just text me all the time. What do I do? 
Shelly K: First, anyone has the ability to be whoever they want behind the facade of the internet.  Secondly, it’s really taken the romance out of courting and dating.  A date that is requested via a text message or email simply lacks class.  Like it or not, intentional or not, this truly conveys a message that the other person is not important.  I have been asked out many times via a text message.  My response the first time is always the same, “Why don’t you call me to discuss it?”  I want to give others the opportunity to appreciate that I just don’t accept any kind of communication and at times, the response has been, “Great answer.” But I rarely, if ever hear from them again, which to me is perfect! Weed out the people who were just looking for an ‘easy path’ to get what they wanted.  I have also had men pick up the phone immediately, apologize and ask me out over the phone respectfully. Even if we didn’t end up dating, it sets a tone for what’s acceptable and how you expect to be treated.   

Question: Is it OK for me to just have casual sex since I’m not in a committed relationship?
Shelly K: Showing someone a level of respect for yourself and how you want to be treated is completely different from ‘expecting’ someone to change or be someone they are not.  I also have no idea where a ‘date’ turned into “Do you want to come over to my house?” or “Meet for a drink…?” Again, these methods are not OK with me.  I understand that rules of the game can change all they want, but you have every right as an individual to accept these rules or not.  And when did sex – the most intimate thing we share with another person become so casual?  You act like it feels good, but inside you give a piece of yourself away each and every time.  You will always wake up feeling empty and unsatisfied.  And most important it only takes one mistake to change your life forever with unprotected sex.  Even protected doesn’t offer much protection.  As a matter of fact, I just received a phone call recently, counseling a young woman my age.  She is has to go to the doctor to get checked out after a very bad decision of unprotected sex.  Some STD’s simply do not go away and you will have to deal with them all of your life with medication. And not only that but I have heard countless tear filled stories of how hard it is to have that conversation with someone you want to be intimate with doing the right thing and letting them know.

Question: Would I be better off just dating several people instead of just one?
Shelly K:  I think it is difficult to try to get to know several people at once. You only have so much time and energy to offer others after your own priorities have been met. So learn to quickly 
identify who you work best with and/or what level the relationship may be best suited for, i.e. friends, romance, long term, etc. As for me, I may not go on dates all the time, but I am also not the girl who has a different boyfriend every week. Nor is my life filled with drama and frustrations of not being treated with respect and honor. The boys (YES boys) who don’t care to treat me like the woman I am won’t see me around for very long. Learn to move on quickly – no love lost, as there will be any emotional attachment.  Don’t take it personally – take it as a sigh of relief that it didn’t take you months to figure out who you were dealing with. Don’t be the one who has regrets about not being who you are from the beginning.  Never apologize for being YOU, for having standards and enough respect for yourself to be steadfast in your desires.  To conduct the orchestra – you have to turn your back on the crowd!



Shelly Koehler
Real Estate Specialist
Social Entrepreneur